I thought I was the Messiah, Mary Magdalene and Megan Markle.

I’ve been vocal about my bipolar disorder on my instagram story but a story can only say so much. So here I am writing about my God-complex that I’ve experienced while manic. Let me break it down for you. 

Manic is a mood disorder where you may have feelings of irritation, grandiosity, racing thoughts, lots of energy, inflated sense of self-esteem, euphoria, paranoia, the list goes on. It varies from person to person. 

Another mood disorder of BP is depression and symptoms of depression is lack of energy, numbness, feeling empty, excessive sadness, guilt, anxiety etc. Sometimes I would wake up feeling manic or depressed or mixture of both. Most days, I feel stable or what you call euthymia. Euthymia is a desired mood that every person with BP wants to feel. It’s a mood without disturbances. You feel tranquil and contented. It’s the best feeling ever especially after an episode.

Back to my God-complex. A God-complex is when you spend special attention to your appearance, feeling superior, having high self-worth, feelings of grandiosity, feeling invulnerable, overly confident and feeling overwhelmed by fantasies of unlimited success, power and beauty. I had this during the time I was Mrs Deaf South Africa in 2019. I wasn’t aware I was being like that at all. But going back to my instagram stories recently, I saw someone I didn’t recognised. She looked good but seemed vain. I remembered the feelings of being so confident that I could do anything, anything. It was an awesome feeling but it had bad consequences. A few days before I was admitted to hospital, my sister opened up to me and said that I hadn’t been myself for a long time and she missed the old Tracy. My husband said I barely made time for him. I had wished they had told me at the time it was happening but perhaps I wouldn’t have listened, who knows. So yeah, I wasn’t being vain because of a Mrs Deaf SA title, I was having a God-complex caused by a manic episode that lasted for months.

After months of mania, depression and a mixture of both, I had a full-blown psychotic episode that landed me in hospital for 21 days. The morning of my psychotic episode, I woke up and I felt it was my last day on earth. I felt so tranquil and peaceful. I saw myself wearing a white robe. I looked out the window and smiled. The world is waiting for me to die on the cross. I was the Messiah.

This is called having a Messiah-complex or a religion delusion where you have a belief that your purpose is to save people.

Right after feeling like Jesus, I became extremely paranoid and thought my family and friends wanted me killed. I was wild-eyed, agitated and walking up and down in our flat. My husband didn’t know what to do so he called his dad to come over. After the call, he looked up at me and his face had a pure evil look, it was so frightening. I left messages on my whatsapp groups, asking for help. I would send the message then delete it and send the message again. Some of the messages went through and my family and friends were trying to find out what was happening. I video called my sister-in-law and aunt in Australia. These poor guys, getting alarming messages and calls. I also posted on facebook and instagram stories asking for the army to come save me. We live opposite the army base. Then I heard gunshots and screaming and I realized it’s the screaming of women being killed by men – gender-based violence. Then I saw all the men posting on their stories on instagram announcing that it’s time with their evil smiles.. I was hallucinating – seeing and hearing things that weren’t there. 

My two guy friends rushed over to our flat and asked if I was okay. My girlfriend send them to help me because she couldn’t leave work. I didn’t trusted them and wouldn’t say hi or hug them like I usually did. They eventually left and my dad-in-law came over and tried to hug me as well but I pulled away. I tried to walk out of our flat but they kept me inside and I felt so trapped. That’s when hell broke loose. I ran to the kitchen to grab the sharpest knife and I charged at them. I made as if I was going to stab them to make them scared enough to let me go. Dad-in-law said calmly, “You can stab me.” He and hubs tried to grab the knife from me with great difficulty. When they eventually got the knife, I started screaming for our landlord over and over. I ran to the window and half climbed out and mind you I live on the 12th floor! I was screaming for help at the workers working on the building next door. I wss dragged back into safety. 

Having heard my screams, the landlord called the police and they came upstairs to our flat. Hubs begged me to calm down and made me believe that he wasn’t the bad one, the police was. He spoke to me as he would to a child to soothe me. As soon as the police walked in looking all intimidating, I snapped out of it and held my husband tightly. They asked if there was a problem and we said no. Eventually they left. I don’t remember if my brother came before or after the police but he came. He reassured our family on the phone and called the ambulance. 

I arrived at N1 City Hospital and had another psychotic episode. I was tested for drugs and was negative – obviously lol. The doctor tried to speak to me but I wasn’t focusing. I saw the world coming to an end with nurses tap-dancing past the curtains, the good and the evil. Hubs was Jesus and I was Mary Magdalene. We both died on the cross, the world was saved and we embraced and went into the light. It was the most euphoric feeling I’ve ever had. I didn’t remember much after that. 

That same day, I was send to Aseko Clinic and I was still disoriented. Hubs asked me to please focus and say my name, where I am from etc because if I couldn’t say it, they were going to send me to Valkenburg hospital. I told the nurse my name was Megan Markle and the nurse said they couldn’t admit me in that state. Hubs begged them to give me another chance. I barely managed to answer the questions and then I was given the green light to see a psychiatrist. While my sister, brother and hubs were waiting with me to be collected, I saw the clinic as a palace, hubs was Harry and I was Megan. Our room was upstairs, I felt queenly. Lol. 

• 

A few days after admission, I was still Megan but I was pregnant and I was held hostage at the hospital. I heard voices telling me to get out so I could go to Prince Harry who was waiting for me in the helicopter. I managed to reach the entrance but it was locked and I was taken back to my room by security. My poor day nurse had to put up with my antics. She eventually quit. Lol.

One morning, I woke up groggy and felt like my body wasn’t mine. Tracy’s real body died and I was given a new body but it was robotic – my skin was flawless like plastic. Finally I took a shower by myself because previously the nurse had to shower me as I was unable to. I scolded her for showering me with my cochlear implant on. I was so out of it but I remembered my cochlear implant. Lol. I was a difficult patient, I didn’t want to take my meds and injections only if hubby was there. Hubby had to leave work to come through to convince me to take my meds and injections. That man was utterly exhausted from all of this yet he still stood by me.

A few days later, I was feeling better enough to start doing art, group therapy and yoga classes with the other patients. I had a private ward with a day and night nurse for the 21 days so I was kind of isolated from everyone else. I was really unwell. I continued my sessions with my psychiatrist and psychologist up until today.

My mom was in Australia this entire time but came home as soon as she heard I was ill. When the nurse brought me to my mom, she thought I wouldn’t recognized her but I did. We embraced. She visited me every single day at the clinic and it helped me to recover faster. 

I have so much more to say but this is long enough. Lol. I’m sharing this so that you know how traumatic and dangerous a psychotic episode can be and how important it is to prevent one from happening. If you see your loved ones behaving out of character, have compassion, make them aware and get them the help they need, don’t wait till it’s too late. They will thank you later.

Psychotic/ extreme manic episodes can cause a lot of damage to the brain – some people never recover from it. I’m so grateful to God for His protection and healing, it could’ve gone very wrong that fateful day. That day will always stay with me as a stark reminder to always take care of my mental health. I’m also grateful to my hubs, family and friends for doing everything to save me.

Thank you so much for reading.

x

I’m Glowing!

Feb 2020, I was diagnosed with a bipolar type 1 disorder and I was put on medication. Although it helped me tremendously, the side effects weren’t great. I gained 11kg, I got uneven bumps on my tummy and I had full acne on my face. My self confidence disappeared and I didn’t feel pretty at all. I had been feeling like this for quite a while and it didn’t help with my depressive mood swings. It was tough.

One morning, I was scrolling through instagram and came across the Glow Getter entry on Rushtush’s story. Intrigued, I clicked on the link and read up all about it. I loved the idea of joining a group of women of all race, age and size on a journey to self-discovery and transforming ourselves. I felt excited with the idea of entering. A few mins later, I debated with myself whether I should enter or not because I wasn’t sure if I was in the right space to be a representative of the Rushtush brand. Rushtush is all about confidence, woman power and taking charge of your well-being on all levels. Then a voice told me to just do it and enter, I had nothing to lose. I entered and decided to be transparent about my disorder and my hearing loss.

A few weeks later, Rushtush’s assistant, Lauren, emailed me to say I got in! I was elated but Lauren made me aware that it’s a lot of social media activity. I had to post 3 stories per day, 2 feed per week and 2 blog posts and I needed to be sure I could handle it. I took a day to think about it and I realised that I was very quiet on social media. I thought it was time to get out of my shell and put myself out there. I replied to Lauren and signed the contract!

I have been 9 weeks on the journey and it has been transformative. I lost a few kgs, the bumps on my tummy became smoother and my acne cleared up. I became more confident and comfortable with my body. The journey taught me to appreciate, love and treat my body with respect. You only have one body and you should treat it like a temple.

What I Did on My Journey:

In the mornings, I take my metabolic spray on an empty stomach, 4 squirts in my mouth. After my hulk juice or any breakfast in the eating plan, I take two capsules of the Gluc Support, one in the morning and one at night. These two products marry well. They both support a healthy metabolism. My metabolism was really low because of the meds I was on.

I train on the RushtushFit app, on Beginner’s level. Even though it was Beginner’s level, I still worked up a sweat. During the week, there’s 2 body workouts and 3 cardio sessions because I selected the Lose Weight option. Despite my hearing loss, Rushda is so easy to follow because she speaks clearly and demonstrates how to do each workout safely and correctly.

An hour before my workouts, I take a teaspoon of L-Glutamine in a glass of water and another glass at night before bedtime. It really helps with muscle soreness and bloating. It’s wonderful for your gut health. I love the taste of the L-Glutamine as well. That’s the full pharma range that I use every single day without fail.

I used the Vegan Glow, the Veggie Glow and the Naked Glow eating plans. There’s no sugar and dairy in these eating plans. That’s why my skin cleared up so quickly. Dairy and sugar makes my skin and gut inflammatory. The Vegan Glow is my absolute favourite and it has many tasty and healthy recipes that’s new and different to my taste buds. The Hulk Juice is my number one green juice and it’s so simple to make. The recipe is in all the Glow ebooks.

No matter what happens in my life, the pharma range, the fit app and the eating plan is there for me to be used effortlessly. I have a routine now since I started the journey and I’ve realized that consistency is a really good habit to have. You can not achieve your goals without consistency.

I have one more month left and I’m excited to see my results especially while on the Naked Glow. I feel privileged to have met the phenomenal women who are on this journey with me. They have been kind, supportive and simply lovely! I’m so grateful that I took a chance and entered the Rushtush Glow Getter competition. ♥️

Photos: Shezan Photography

Tracy’s Hearing Journey to Peace.

I am totally in love with the confidence my cochlear implant brings me. I’m in a completely different world to when I had on hearing aids. Wearing hearing aids is like seeing only one colour of the rainbow whereas with a cochlear implant, you see most of the colours. You’re still deaf but you’re hearing so much more. That’s how much of a difference it makes.

Believe me, I’ve been skeptical of cochlear implants for 20 years. Mom asked me faithfully every year since I was old enough to understand, if I wanted an implant. My answer was always no. Until I was ready and willing to take the risk – the choice was mine. I got implanted 3rd July 2015 at the age of 30 years old. I never looked back.

I feel more daring to pursue things that are out of my comfort zone. I spoke thrice on YouTube videos without preparation, without regard to how I may sound or look, I led the Deafsa Deaf Awareness Silent Walk and gave a huge crowd a body workout at the very last minute, I gave a deaf awareness workshop at work when the guest speaker wasn’t available and now I’m planning to open a vegan food stall at one of the Cape Town markets. I plan to achieve bigger goals: To write a book, to travel, to enter for Mrs SA and to be a mom.

I feel more like myself. I feel I smile more easily. I feel more in love with myself. I look people in the eye without discomfort. I feel I present myself better. I am comfortable in my own skin as a profoundly deaf woman. I’ve got acne-prone skin but I’m not ashamed to wear it without makeup. Im in love with the skin I’m in because I know I’m so much more than my looks. I went against all odds to aspire to a plant-based lifestyle in spite of people’s misgivings. I stand up more for myself – I’m more assertive and honest. There’s no shame and regret to being who I am. I’m caring less and less about pleasing people. I am putting myself first.

When there are moments of awkwardness or failure, I always seem to bounce back. I do not think it’s solely because of my cochlear implant but I’ve also lost a very special person in my life – my dad. When you have experienced the biggest loss of your life, other obstacles seem much smaller, less significant, less scary. Hardship really does bring you courage and peace.

Losing a parent really changes your perspective. It helped improve my marriage, relationships with other people and with myself. I feel more at peace with myself and everyone else. I see value in our humanity, in our mortality. Tomorrow holds no promise we’ll live to see another sunrise. Life is so fleetingly short.

I’m finding it easier to meet people and develop new friendships. I’m starting to care less and less about what people think of me and minding my own business because I’ll never ever forget this massive heartache. I think of my dad every single day without fail. I still cry when I’m alone with my thoughts. I try and always comfort myself knowing that Dad’s healthy, happy and free. I know deep down I will see him one day and it’s going to be so beautiful. It’s been four months since his passing. Yet it feels like yesterday.

My hearing journey isn’t just about hearing new sounds but it’s also about overcoming obstacles, stretching boundaries, learning to live with a great loss and shattering limitations. When you’ve been through the unthinkable, you can do the impossible. There are days when I surprise myself like speaking to the bank consultant over the phone with the assistance of a bank manager, and there are days when I can do better but I try not to waste time blaming and beating myself up. When you are kind to yourself, you become kinder to others.

To enriching, life-changing, empowering journeys of love and hope! Embark on these journeys and embrace the change without fear in your heart because you’re truly magnificent and powerful beyond measure.

Blessings 💞

Tracy Duncan.

 

 

Cochlear Confidence

I spoke about Deaf Confidence a few months back.

What is Cochlear Confidence?

I’ve only been wearing my cochlear for three months but I’m sharing what I’ve experienced thus far as a novice. I would love to know what’s cochlear confidence to CI users who’ve been wearing theirs for more than 10 years. Their confidence must be magnificent! I’ve met a few myself and would love to hear what they have to add.

CC1: After Switch-on

The confidence to keep wearing your cochlear after switch-on. Our world we once knew doesn’t sound the same anymore. It sounds alien, confusing and loud. Nothing makes sense. But you still persevere to try and listen with it until everything starts to sound clearer.

CC2: Be Frank

The confidence to be honest enough to tell your family, friends and work colleagues that you’re still deaf even if you hear really well, you can not go further than a certain point because no matter how many times you’ve practiced or how long you’ve been wearing your cochlear, you are still deaf. People must understand they’ll still have to repeat, they’ll still have to make sure you see their lips, the’ll still need to tap you to get your attention after you don’t hear them call your name.

CC3: The Test

The confidence to allow people to test you by covering their mouths or standing behind your back to see how much you can hear what they are saying. They also want to give you a phone call. Sometimes it’s annoying especially when you are really tired, super busy or just not in the mood. Have the confidence to say no nicely if it’s not the right time. When you do go through with it, and they see you are still not hearing what they’re saying, you have to deal with their disappointment as well as your own. During times like these, tell yourself it’s okay, you can only hear so much. On the other hand, when you do hear what they’re saying, you feel so amazing and  they are so amazed! Celebrate every little thing you hear! It’s an achievement!

CC4: No Rainbow Without Rain

The confidence to celebrate the good and bad days of your implant. Because you need both to learn, to grow and to appreciate. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. Play with your wireless accessories like the phone clip, microphone, aqua cover etc. Ask your colleagues to speak to you with a sheet of paper covering their mouths. Listen to voice notes. Take phonecalls. Listen to music. Challenge yourself. Stimulate your brain. Even if you can only hear so much, pat yourself on the back for taking this daring step!

CC5: Wear It With Pride

The confidence to wear your cochlear openly without embarrassment and shame. Why hide who you are so people can accept you? Let them stare. Let them point. Let them talk about it. Let them ask. Hold your head high, wear your cochlear like a crown. Be who you are and the right people will love and respect you for you. Feel confident. Feel beautiful. Feel unique. Add some colour to your cochlear. Why should fashion stop at your clothes? Be stylish!

CC6: Laugh It Off

The confidence to laugh at yourself how wrong you’ve heard. It can be so hilarious! Do not beat yourself up. Be gentle, patient and persistent. Be your best friend. Be the person you would turn to for encouragement and support.

CC7: Love Your Voice

It’s a favourite question for people to ask how they sound. Have the confidence to admit it doesn’t really make much of a difference. Honestly. Secondly have the confidence to love your own voice. Some Deaf react with horror at how badly they sound and want to improve it by going to speech therapy. It’s so great to notice and want to improve but also remember you’ve been sounding like that for years and people still like you and your company. You are more than your voice, your speech and your deafness.

CC8: Be Realistic

When people have high expectations of what you can hear, have the confidence to gently remind them that you’ll never be hearing like they are but you are hearing better than before. Yes a lot of money was spent to get the implant but let’s be realistic. CI isn’t a miracle, it creates miracles everyday. It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient with them and yourself. Focus on the journey, not the destination. You’ll be amazed how much fun it is to learn something new everyday.

CC9: Deaf Unity

Some deaf people think you’re better than them because you can hear better, speak better and perhaps seem more sure of yourself. Have the confidence to gently let them know that you are still deaf, that you aren’t better than them but rather better-equipped to deal with everyday situations in a hearing society. Learn a sign language to bridge the gap between the two deaf cultures. Hang out with them to let them know you still enjoy their company. You help them, and they help you with what you both good at. There’s no competition, there’s no who-is-superior. We all share a deafness, it should unite not separate us.

CC10: Inspiration

Have the confidence to speak about your implant when people ask out of curiosity and interest. Do not be embarrassed. Be proud of what you’ve gone through to reach the point of where you are now. People love stories of hope and courage. They would really appreciate it. It’ll remind them how blessed they are to have hearing. It’ll inspire them to put their faith back in humanity.

I’m still on my cochlear journey, there are a lot of things yet to experience. I look forward to it with an open mind and heart and an adventurous spirit! Please join me to be confident CI users because many deaf people can benefit from the implant. Yes there are risks, yes it’s a lot of money, yes it won’t make you hearing, but why deny yourself the beauty of sound? The waves crashing, the birds’ wings flapping, water running, the voice of your child calling you, the sound of music etc.

Please share your thoughts on CI confidence, I would love to hear.

Keep your CI confidence shining!

Much love and light,
Tracy Duncan

Photographer: The amazing Shameera Rassool, my friend and work colleague.

Deaf Confidence

That awkward moment when you have to explain to people that you have a profound hearing loss especially in your puberty years with your acne and clumsiness. Eeeek! There’s not one deaf person who hasn’t experienced it.

Our disability is invisible,  you won’t know we are deaf until we open our mouths. Lol! Some kind people think we are foreigners and English is our second language!  Most people think we are being rude because we don’t respond to them when they speak behind us, not knowing it’s because we can’t hear them!

That’s why it’s very important that we have deaf confidence. The confidence to freely speak about our deafness in a positive,  comfortable manner. The confidence to visibly wear our hearing devices, and not hiding it or taking it out in embarrassment. The confidence to overcome obstacles where our deafness limit us. It puts people at ease to ask more questions to better understand us and soon you are developing friendships. I become friends only with people who are interested in my hearing loss because that’s a big part of who I am. I need to know I can trust you to help me out anytime when I need you to make a urgent phone call on my behalf or repeat what a stranger is trying to tell me or making an effort to include me in conversations. These are the kind of people I keep in my life – reliable, considerate, patient and trustworthy. 😄

I’m at the point in my life where I’m comfortable with my deafness. Making jokes about my deafness is my favorite ice-breaker or to gently remind people I’m deaf. People forget when they become familiar with me. Hey Tracy I’ll call you! Trace,  I thought you heard that in the meeting last week. Tracy! Tracy! You must listen to this song! Omgaaaaaa! I love this song! Hey I hooted at you! Trace , I saw you at the race and shouted your name! Duh people! This chick is deaf! 😊 But hey we forget, so no hard feelings! 😉

To develop deaf confidence,  you need to take risks. Putting up your hand up in class to tell your lecturer to face you at all times because you are a lip-reader. Going to photo-shoot tryouts as a model where you have to constantly tell the photographer to repeat what he said in a room full of stunningly beautiful people and being relaxed in front of the camera at the same time. I know! Very nerve-wrecking! Lecturing in a class of young adults or presenting to the directors at work and making sure you speak as clearly as possible so they can understand you. Doing an interview about your deafness on national tv. These experiences have developed my deaf confidence. I’ve always been a calculated risk-taker. I’ve had some very embarrassing moments when I cringed and wanted to disappear! I’ve also had some glorious moments where people looked at me with awe and admiration. My head got big after that! Phew! On a serious note, you need both, the good to boost you up and the bad, to learn from and keep you humble.

Yuri Arcurs model pic on a London website, Wareable.

Hopefully with the cochlear implant I will only grow to be more confident, independent and that it will improve the quality of my speech further. There are times when people don’t have a clue what I’m saying or when I mispronounce a word, throwing them into fits of laughter , much to my relief. Rather laugh than look at me like I’m a weeeirdo.

My message to the deaf is always be proud of who you are because God has made you like that for a reason. We are a constant reminder to the world that they must appreciate having all their 5 senses intact. We teach people to be more patient and considerate when they communicate with us. Take calculated risks! Put yourself out of your comfort zone so you can spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyyyy. If anyone ever tells you that you can’t do something because you are deaf, SHOW them! 😉

Sport modeling at Muizenberg for Yuri Arcurs.

I hope my story has brought you insight of the deaf, insight of what I am going through as a deaf individual. A diamond is only revealed under tremendous pressure! I also hope I have reminded the deaf of how freaking awesome they are when they find themselves in not so good a space. Remember you are a diamond dear, no one can break you (quoting my cousin,  Chanze Jacobs, who is only a matriculant)!

If you would like to make a donation however small towards my cochlear implant, please email bionictracy@gmail.com. Thank you so much! To those who have donated, I’m eternally grateful to you. You are making a phenomenal difference in a very important chapter in my life. You are truly special! 😃

Read why getting a cochlear implant is the better solution to my profound hearing loss:

https://bionictracy.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/robot-like-hearing/

With deep gratitude and love,

Tracy Duncan

Robot-like Hearing

The amazing electrode array that will be in my cochlea.

I can’t believe it! In two weeks, I’ll be having a cochlear implant, known simply as CI. This will be the most life-changing decision I’ve ever made in my life. I’m so stoked!!!

Artificial cochlea:

I was born deaf and I have what my surgeon calls a bilateral sensori-neural profound hearing loss. The hair cells in my cochlea in the inner ear, are abnormal (in both ears). When hair cells are abnormal or damaged, a person is not able to hear without a hearing device. Unfortunately I’ve reached a point where my hearing aids are no longer useful thus a cochlear implant surgery is needed. My surgeon will implant a complex electrode in my cochlea which takes 3 hours long. It is a very delicate op and it doesn’t come without risks. Possible but rare risks involve an infection,  facial paralysis and dizziness.

The Switch-on:

How the external cochlear processor and electrode array work to provide me with hearing.

It will take about three weeks for my surgical wounds to heal. At Tygerberg Hospital, my chief audiologist will fit on an external cochlear processor behind my ear that is responsible for sending the sounds from my environment to the artificial cochlear inside my ear along the hearing nerve to my brain where I’ll receive the message. I’ll be like a newborn baby hearing for the very first time. Some cochlear implantees say it sound like everyone is speaking in a foreign language. Others say it sound robot-like. One particular cochlear implantee’s first sound was the ticking of the clock in the audiology room, it was so clear. Some of them don’t hear anything at all because their processors need to be mapped again. It differs for everyone. I can’t wait to experience my magical moment after the switch-on, whether I’ll hear anything or not.

My Bionic Ear:

The magnificent cochlear processor.

My external cochlear processor is a Nucleus 6 CP910 model, manufactured by a company called Cochlear. Cochlear has two brands, Nucleus and Baha. Unfortunately South Africa doesn’t have a Cochlear branch here so Southern ENT, a South African company distributes processors and accessories through hospitals and companies to the deaf public. There are two models,  the CP910 and the CP920. The only difference between the two, is that the CP920 has a feature that can be connected to an Ipod or MP3 player. I’ve chosen the lesser model in a mocha colour to match my dark brown hair :). For me, it is not cosmetic decision,  it’s a safety one. In South Africa, criminals are not shy to rob the deaf of their hearing devices,  it has happened before, it even made the news. I will rather camouflage my very expensive bionic ear :).

Sound advice:

My surgeon and audiologist said I will still need to lip-read. It’ll be silly to give up a very useful skill that I’ve worked very hard to master for 30 years. They have also kept reminding me not to expect too much from the cochlear implant. It’s true because I have seen how much of a difference it made in my peers’ lives,  for some it was life-changing,  for others, not so much, but it still provided them with the hearing they needed.  However my intuition tells me I’m going to do well if I put in the effort.

Join me for a good cause:

Two deaf inspiring, amazing women, Ashleigh and Nicole Bredeveldt,  dear friends of mine, started a project called Chears whereby they help raise funds for the deaf who need a cochlear implant. Being cochlear implantees themselves, they are hosting a Challenge the Cold hike to help me meet my target of R68 000.  It’s a child-friendly walk through the beautiful Cecelia Forest in Constantia on the 27 June 2015 at R40 per entry. Your support will make a huge difference!  Please join Chears Challenge the Cold hiking event for details: https://www.facebook.com/events/1637031853208129/

If you are unable to attend but would like to donate however small,  please email me bionictracy@gmail.com for the account details.Thank you so much! To those who donated, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your generosity is making my dream to hear better, come true. May you be blessed hundredfold.

Visit Chears inspiring and bubbly blog: http://www.chears.co.za

More info about the cochlear implant, processors and accessories can be found on: http://www.cochlear.com

With deep gratitude and love,

Tracy Duncan

My Real Heroes

Laying in bed in my comfortable silence. That’s right I’ve taken out my hearing aids, I can’t hear anything. Some people tell me how they wish they can just switch off whenever they don’t want to hear. I sleep peacefully while my husband, a light sleeper, hears everything. He says sometimes he’s envious of how I can sleep right through the night, undisturbed. I meditate easily, distracted by nothing. I run better without my hearing aids on, I don’t know why, it’s a mystery. Perhaps I’m more aware of how my body moves when sounds are shut out of my world. I’m lucky to escape into silence whenever I want to but I can’t always hear what I want to hear. How ironic! 😀

I know God made me deaf for a reason,  I do not know the reason, but what I do know is that: my deafness humbles me, it’s my Achilles heel. My parents were taught patience, incredible patience. To say it was not easy to teach a very young deaf child to learn to lipread firstly and then speak, is an understatement. I am and will always be grateful to my parents for moulding me into the woman I am today: well-spoken, dedicated, hard-working, ambitious. I hope to be half the parent they are, to my future children. I hope to always make my parents proud, that their sacrifices aren’t for nought. They are my real heroes.

My parents walking their beautiful Ridgebacks at Rondebosch Common.

My cochlear implant surgery to help me hear better, is in 19 days time and I have R18,690.00 left to raise to meet my target of R68 000. The fact that I’m almost there, is heady. I’m truly grateful to my incredible kind family, friends,  acquaintances and strangers who’ve donated. May each and every one of you be blessed hundredfold. You are making a huge difference in my life, you are my heroes. After my implant,  I am continuing with my parents’ hard work with my loving, super-caring husband who will be helping me to learn to listen to new sounds. We will make every cent worth it.

If you would like to donate towards my cochlear implant surgery, please email me at bionictracy@gmail.com for the account details. I have set up a method of payment via Stellenbosch University-Tygerberg Cochlear Implant Unit whereby you can pay the funds into and use my name as a reference. Thank you so much! 😀

Read up about my deafness and why I need the surgery: https://bionictracy.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/just-tracy-3/

With deep gratitude and love,

Tracy Duncan

Just Tracy

Imagine living 30 years of your life hearing only 20 kind of sounds. Imagine never truly hearing music that moves your soul. Imagine not being able to hear what your loved ones are saying over the phone. Imagine not hearing someone call you in the crowd, someone you haven’t seen in a long time. Imagine sitting through meetings not hearing what people are saying 80% of the time. Imagine pretending to hear what people are saying because you are so exhausted trying to figure out what they are saying. Imagine not hearing crickets chirping or rain falling. Imagine always missing out hearing the biggest news. Imagine not hearing your youngest nephew crying in the other room. Imagine missing out on the funniest jokes on a comedy show because it doesn’t have subtitles. Imagine when you take out your hearing aids, you can’t hear anything, not a single sound.

That’s my world. Hi I’m Tracy Duncan, would you like some tea and hear the rest of my story?

I was born with a profound, bilateral hearing loss on the 10th April 1985. When I say profound it means plus minus 80% loss in both ears. Because I was such an alert and inquisitive baby, my parents didn’t suspect that I was deaf. It was only when my aunty, a children’s nurse, noticed I didn’t respond to sounds while I was asleep. My parents took me to Tygerberg Hospital for hearing tests. I fooled the doctors thinking I could hear so they had to put me to sleep and then redo the tests. To my parents’ grief, I failed all the tests.

I had my first set of Phonak hearing aids at 9 months. After years of speech therapy,  schooling and my family’s amazing support system at home, I am able to speak the English language fluently today. Growing up was hard especially where I found myself in uncomfortable situations where my deafness limited me or people had limited knowledge of the deaf. I graduated with a degree in graphic design and am now working for a reputable company as an online graphic designer.

Although I’m doing well in life, my hearing deteriorates as I get older and my hearing aids are set at their maximum, which means it can not give me more than what I’m hearing now. I miss out on everyday sounds like my husband calling me from the other room, the news on tv, cars hooting, the knock on our door, announcements at work and many many things the hearing take for granted. It’s extremely challenging to move up the ladder in the corporate world for anyone but even more so for the deaf. I am so grateful that I’m able to lipread exceptionally well and speak clearly to anyone who converses with me. There was a time I didn’t wear hearing aids at work for two days because they weren’t working but I coped. However my eyes are not enough, I need my ears to be at their best. And the cochlear implant is the answer.

In July my surgeon will surgically implant an electrode in my cochlea that will provide a better sense of sound than my hearing aids. It will be an amazing life-changing experience. I will never be able to hear 100% but I’ll be able to hear sounds I’ve never heard of before in 30 years of my life. Another reason why I want the cochlear implant is for my future children. I want to be able to hear them call me, to teach them to speak and many other things to my best ability as a mother.

After my implant my next goal is to give back by helping other deaf children and adults to hear by being an active fund-raiser, role model and contributor to society.

Thank you so much for your time reading my story. I want to express my deepest gratitude to my donors who have donated generously towards my cochlear implant. May you be blessed tenfold. Because of you, I have a shortfall of R27 000 left to raise to meet my target of R68 000. I’m nearly there, it’s so exhilarating! If you would like to donate however small, it will make a huge difference. I have set up a method of payment via Stellenbosch University-Tygerberg Cochlear Implant Unit whereby you can pay the funds into and use my name as a reference. Please email bionictracy@gmail.com for the details. Thank you so much!

Lip-reading my hubby.

With deep gratitude and love,

Tracy Duncan